Monday, November 29, 2010

So much on my mind

I want to remember things...keep track of things that happen in my life, things that God has been teaching me. Sometimes life goes by so fast that it's hard to take the time to write them down. Tonight, I was hanging out with Jimmy, Richie and Lorinda and Jake, Nick's friend, calls me. He was with Nick and said Nick was wondering if I was around because they were coming to town. It was basically just a booty call...for me. It made me feel dirty, used, and vulnerable again. I did not know what to do...where do I place this in my life? Three years have gone by. Why is he wanting to get with me again? It just reminds me of the pain, and the stupid mistakes that I made I guess it has really been making me think. I ignore so much of my past and try to almost pretend it did not happen. But the reality remains; Nick was a part of my life. The things I did with him do affect me and will for the rest of my life. However, I have Christ's forgiveness. I don't have to feel guilt, fear, or vulnerability. He saved me from all that, and allowing myself to feel those things is actually a lack of faith in what God has done in my life! I am a totally different person now. Yeah, there are times when that old self and its desires kind of appear, but thank God He is the one in control of my life now!

Thank you Father for how you take care of me. You have blessed me with an AMAZING man who loves you and loves me with an amazing love. You have given me more than I deserve. Please help me to live in your grace and continue to grow in you. I love you.

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