Monday, November 8, 2010

What I learned

Over the weekend, I went to a Women of Faith conference with Jennifer Rothschild and Stormie Omartian. It was amazing. A lot of times I think I close my mind off to things like conferences because that is what always got my parents in trouble. I grew up going to ATIA conferences and learning how to live the perfect life.. It was always crazy! This time I really felt like God spoke to me. It wasn't about living the perfect life but I realize that life isn't perfect. Everyone has their pain...just like I have mine. The key is learning how to recognize the fact that it may not be well with my circumstances but it is well with my soul!

The cool thing was that Stormie's story spoke straight to my heart. She grew up in an abusive home and struggled to let go of things and open up to the people around her that loved her. God used her greatly in my life to encourage me and inspire me that someday He may use my testimony like He has used hers. At the end of the conference, I was standing in line to talk to her and have her sign my book. The line was so long that I didn't have time to wait. It was totally God that a woman in the front of the line offered to let me go ahead of her. I was able to share with her how much her story meant to me. She ended up giving me her autobiography for free to read!

God spoke to me in so many ways and helped me heal just a little bit more this weekend. I no understand that sometimes God permits what He hates to accomplish what He loves. I guess I have always questioned "why me". Looking back in my journal, there have been countless times where I have angrily questioned God and why he let horrible things happen to me. I now realize that if I am going to ask that question, I also have to ask why grace? Why peace? Why forgiveness? Why choose me? I don't deserve any of that! I have received what I do not deserve because Jesus received what He did not deserve.

Ever since that Sunday that I finally opened up and shared my testimony, I have felt so much more free. I no longer have an image to keep. I can be vulnerable and weak and human! I am learning to recognize my flaws and admit them before Christ and others. For example, this weekend I realized that I often have a "victim mentality". I do not want people to love me and when they do I search for some way to fault them. I have always been the victim of circumstances and if I find myself in a place where I am not, I look for a way to be. Sometimes I do it with Jimmy and I do it with my Mom too. I have felt like her victim so when she reaches out to me, I find a way to make her hurt me again.

Lord I come to you in complete humility. I am so weak, helpless and undeserving of you! Help me to let go of my pride, to let you heal me. Keep my thoughts full of truth. Father, just like Stormie, I want to use my story for you.

Use me.

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