I want to remember things...keep track of things that happen in my life, things that God has been teaching me. Sometimes life goes by so fast that it's hard to take the time to write them down. Tonight, I was hanging out with Jimmy, Richie and Lorinda and Jake, Nick's friend, calls me. He was with Nick and said Nick was wondering if I was around because they were coming to town. It was basically just a booty call...for me. It made me feel dirty, used, and vulnerable again. I did not know what to do...where do I place this in my life? Three years have gone by. Why is he wanting to get with me again? It just reminds me of the pain, and the stupid mistakes that I made I guess it has really been making me think. I ignore so much of my past and try to almost pretend it did not happen. But the reality remains; Nick was a part of my life. The things I did with him do affect me and will for the rest of my life. However, I have Christ's forgiveness. I don't have to feel guilt, fear, or vulnerability. He saved me from all that, and allowing myself to feel those things is actually a lack of faith in what God has done in my life! I am a totally different person now. Yeah, there are times when that old self and its desires kind of appear, but thank God He is the one in control of my life now!
Thank you Father for how you take care of me. You have blessed me with an AMAZING man who loves you and loves me with an amazing love. You have given me more than I deserve. Please help me to live in your grace and continue to grow in you. I love you.
Saturday, November 13, 2010
This is what it looks like in my beautiful state of MN right now.
There is something about snow that always made me feel so peaceful and reminds me of home. Don't get me wrong, I love it here in Indiana, there are just some things about home that are irreplaceable!
-The smell of the first snow.
-Waking up to the frost on the windows every morning.
-The sound of snowplows scraping the road
-The brightness of the ground covered in snow
-The ground being slippery and people laughing when you fall
-The way the trees look when there is snow weighing on every branch
-Drinking hot chocolate and watching the snow fall
-Hanging out at Caribou coffee with friends when it's freezing outside
-The first snowman
Monday, November 8, 2010
The cool thing was that Stormie's story spoke straight to my heart. She grew up in an abusive home and struggled to let go of things and open up to the people around her that loved her. God used her greatly in my life to encourage me and inspire me that someday He may use my testimony like He has used hers. At the end of the conference, I was standing in line to talk to her and have her sign my book. The line was so long that I didn't have time to wait. It was totally God that a woman in the front of the line offered to let me go ahead of her. I was able to share with her how much her story meant to me. She ended up giving me her autobiography for free to read!
God spoke to me in so many ways and helped me heal just a little bit more this weekend. I no understand that sometimes God permits what He hates to accomplish what He loves. I guess I have always questioned "why me". Looking back in my journal, there have been countless times where I have angrily questioned God and why he let horrible things happen to me. I now realize that if I am going to ask that question, I also have to ask why grace? Why peace? Why forgiveness? Why choose me? I don't deserve any of that! I have received what I do not deserve because Jesus received what He did not deserve.
Ever since that Sunday that I finally opened up and shared my testimony, I have felt so much more free. I no longer have an image to keep. I can be vulnerable and weak and human! I am learning to recognize my flaws and admit them before Christ and others. For example, this weekend I realized that I often have a "victim mentality". I do not want people to love me and when they do I search for some way to fault them. I have always been the victim of circumstances and if I find myself in a place where I am not, I look for a way to be. Sometimes I do it with Jimmy and I do it with my Mom too. I have felt like her victim so when she reaches out to me, I find a way to make her hurt me again.
Lord I come to you in complete humility. I am so weak, helpless and undeserving of you! Help me to let go of my pride, to let you heal me. Keep my thoughts full of truth. Father, just like Stormie, I want to use my story for you.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
This is my first time experimenting with something like this. I'm still not sure if I want people to read what I write because when I write, I am honest. Somehow, words I am not able to say out loud, I am able to write.
I could start from the beginning and write about my past...but I no longer feel that is what best represents me. I used to let my past define me, but I am learning that it is the moment that defines who I am. The choices I make right now are what matters! Someday I will make a trip back to the past.
I want to be able to look back on this blog and remember life, and let life glorify God. This is going to be my memorial to living in the moment. I will not always be a nineteen year old college student with great friends and in love with my boyfriend. I know life will not always be this easy, but I always want to appreciate what I've been given and where I'm at in my journey.
I also hope this blog will become a journal of what God is teaching me. No, I do not claim to be a perfect Christian and I do not want to be that person who brags of their walk with God. My relationship with God is as simple as this: God loves me and I am in love with him. He is the only one who has been with me through all of life and understands me. I want to learn from Him all that I can and share Him with everyone that I can.
I read yesterday in Matthew 24:12 "The love of most will grow cold, but he who stands firm to the end will be saved".
I want to stand firm to the end.
God teach me what it means to stand firm in my love for you