Monday, July 27, 2015

When God knits, we trust


Psalm 139:13-16
For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful, 
I know that full well. 
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place, 
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed body; 
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be. 


From the very beginning of this pregnancy, I battled fear that after my previous miscarriages, this baby too wouldn't ever be mine to hold.

The lessons God taught me during those first fragile months prepared me for the even harder lessons He has taught me as my pregnancy with our son has progressed. You see, I always used to think that trusting God with something meant trusting that He wouldn't let anything bad happen. But through my losses, God taught me that trust doesn't mean nothing bad is going to happen. It means that I place my baby in His hands knowing that no matter what happens, God will be faithful to carry me through it.

And so I learned (and am still learning) to fully place my trust in God, not my circumstances.

In May at the baby's anatomy scan, we were so excited not only to have made it to the halfway mark, but also to find out that we are having a boy! My doctor found some abnormalities at the scan, however, and I was referred to a Perinatologist. At the time, it didn't seem like anything serious, so I went to my appointment the following week with little concern.


The day I visited the Perinatologist, I numbly listened to the doctor tell me that my baby's kidney's and bowel were showing some possible indicators of  Cystic Fibrosis, Down Syndrome, or a number of other diseases that could potentially take his life, cause blindness, deafness, brain damage and more. There were no answers at that appointment, only possibilities, tests, and being sent home to wait.

My heart physically hurt as I couldn't help but question why. I somehow felt like it was only fair that I should have a healthy baby after everything we had been through.

I drove home from the hospital that day in tears with no answers and a million possibilities and questions. But starting that day, I have felt God's presence so strongly with me, not just to comfort me and give me peace, but to give me much needed perspective.

You see, I had it all wrong. I have no right to ask why me, or why my baby? 
Who am I to think that I somehow deserve a healthy baby?

In many heavy moments alone with the Lord, He has given me an awareness of my smallness and His greatness. I am daily reminded that this world isn't about me. It's not about my baby. And it's not about my comfort, ease of life or happiness.
It's about God and His glory. 

After a week of waiting, the test results for the more serious diseases and Cystic Fibrosis all came back negative which was a huge relief and answer to prayer! The only thing we know for sure at this point is that he has some functional issues with his kidneys that will need to be treated at birth and potentially corrected with surgery. This condition in his kidney's is a marker that doubles his chances of having Down Syndrome. He also has an Echogenic bowel which is a marker that increases his chance of having Down Syndrome by 6x. And so we wait, living in the unknown and learning to have openhanded trust with our son.

 It's hard not knowing if our son will have Down Syndrome, will need surgery at birth, or if he will be completely healthy, but it's also a huge opportunity to trust God. I can't do anything for my baby right now. He is 100% in the hands of his Creator and there is no better place for him to be.

Job 13:15a says "Though he slay me, I will hope in him." If Job, the man who lost everything could still place His hope in the Lord, then I know I can say with confidence that even though God's plans for my baby differ from what I would have planned, I trust Him.  He is good. Always.

If God is more glorified through my son having Down Syndrome, needing surgery, or whatever else may come of these concerns, then it isn't my job to question why or how but to trust in the God who is the Creator and sustainer of life, both in and out of the womb.No, I don't understand God. I can't explain his purposes. I don't see His big picture. I don't know why He allows what He does in my life. But I know that I need Him, and there's no one I'd rather be holding me and my baby through this storm of life than the one who controls it.
Image Source: Pavelena Photography

Although the desire of my heart is for God to heal my baby, I know that whether or not my son has Down Syndrome or needs surgery at birth, his life has purpose for the glory of God and I am honored that God has chosen me to be his mother. I can't wait to meet this little guy!

Colossians 3:17 
And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.

18 comments:

  1. This post is so telling. I couldn't help but think of the stress and heartache you have been struggling with through this pregnancy. Yet, you also honestly say that you're working to trust in God and have faith that what happens is through His love and planning. Sending you :mama hugs: :)

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    1. Thank you for the prayers and love! Yes, faith is something that God gives as we need it, and I'm still learning to trust completely!

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  2. My current circumstances are different but I needed the message you shared. You're sweet boy is so fortunate to have parents who entrust him to the Lord. Thank you for sharing your heart.

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    1. I'm so glad it was encouraging to you Kristy. Praying for you and whatever your circumstances may be as well!

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  3. Thank you for your inspiring trust in God through this difficult situation. May His peace surround you every step of the way.

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  4. Praying for you and your son! May God be glorified with whatever the circumstance.

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  5. Will be praying for you and for this sweet baby

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  6. I choked back tears after reading this. It hits home for me. My third daughter was born with spina bifida. You can read her story if you choose on my blog A Daughter Teaches, A Mother Learns in the March archives. Anyways, we didn't know ahead of time, we found out right before delivery and I'm glad I didn't know ahead because of the way I'm wired. I would be stressed to the max. Psalm 139 are the verses (like yours above) that we claimed on her the day of her delivery as she was wisked away for surgery. She is now 24 years of age, lives life in a wheelchair but is a lovely, young woman, workng, contributing and gaining independence as an adult. My sweet friend, God knows what He is doing even if we don't, I feel your worry and I know as a mother your fear. Continue to trust and everything will work out according to His plan. He has chosen YOU, only YOU to be this baby boy's mother. You must be very special to God and he will equip you for whatever He has planned. Stay strong!

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    1. Your comment made me tear up as well so thank you for the encouraging words! One of the hardest parts is just not knowing anything for sure and learning to trust God with that! What an amazing testimony you have with your daughter-God does give grace for every circumstance. Thank you so much for your prayers and encouragement!

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    2. Good Morning Faith. I prayed for you, your baby and your family this morning. After reading this last night and my morning devotion He put you on my heart.

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  7. Hi I'm new to your blog and love it! I wanted to let you know I'm praying for you and your sweet boy. When I was expecting my first baby, we were told at our 21 week ultrasound that our baby had no fluid, we were referred to a specialist 2 days later. They told us that something was wrong with his kidneys and without fluid wouldn't survive the pregnancy, and if he by some chance did survive to viability which they told us for him would be 26 weeks he wouldn't be able to breathe once he was born and would die. They advised us to terminate. We of course believed that if God didn't want our baby to live, it was up to HIM. The doctors told me not to expect the fluid to increase, and not to dwell on it. At 26 weeks I went into the hospital to be monitored, they told us it was likely he would lie on the cord and cut off his oxygen supply and die, even before we got that far. At 26 weeks he was doing fine, still no fluid, but not in distress. His fluid gradually increased each week. I stayed in the hospital until 30 weeks, when his fluid had gotten to 5cm, still very low, but since he hadn't shown any distress I was allowed to go home. I was so glad to be home, because the hospital was about 2 hours away from home, and it was hard being there all alone, waiting for the days when my husband or a family member could come visit. My fluid gradually continued to increase, and by the time I was induced at 37wks it was at the high end of normal. They said that even though I had made it to "full term" that the lack of fluid would impact the baby's lungs and he probably wouldn't be able to breath, and nothing they could do would be able to help him. He came out and started screaming his little lungs out! He had no breathing issues at all. He does have kidney disease, and will probably need dialysis and a transplant in the future. At our last appointment with his kidney doctor they said "based on what his kidney function was when he was born, they expected him to be on dialysis already." Instead he is not on any medications, or diet restrictions, and at this point in time, the same as any other healthy boy. This is something we have to keep an eye on, but he is such a happy little guy that has brought so much joy into our lives. When we went back to the Maternal Fetal Medicine specialist for our second pregnancy as a precaution, we brought along Kanaan (like Canaan, but Hubby wanted a K to match our last name), and the doctor kept going on and on about how he was such a miracle baby and didn't follow the text books, and he couldn't believe how great he was doing. He just keeps surprising them with how well he is doing. He will be 2 in September, and every May when we get to the anniversary of the ultrasound that told us something was wrong, I just praise God for His Faithfulness. It was such a scary time for us, but I know it taught me to trust God like I never had before, It still sometimes gets scary when I think about what we may have to face, but those are the times I just have to give it to God and just remember to live in the moment, right now and enjoy my currently healthy boy, and not focus on the obstacles we will face in the future. I'm sorry this is such a long comment, but I just wanted to share my story and Kanaan's story, and let you know that even though I don't actually know you, my heart hurts for what you are going through. I understand what it's like to feel so out of control, and helpless when it comes to your little boy's future and health! If you ever want to email or ask any questions, feel free to contact me at bking92212@gmail.com.

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  8. Oh Faith, your words are beautiful and so faithful to what God's Word says about His character. I thought of the Westminster Catechism, "The chief end of man is glorify God and enjoy Him forever". I pray that, through this pregnancy and the life of your son {no matter what happens}, you will enjoy Him with all your heart and that He glorifies Himself through you and your family. Praying for strength, trust and true joy sweet sister x

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  9. Hey Faith,

    Hope you are doing well this afternoon.

    I took some time today to look at all of the referrals to my website. I was thrilled to see that so many wonderful visits had come from your site.

    I just wanted to express my thanks and let you know that I appreciate you!

    23 visits have come as a direct result of your website!

    This amazed me, and I thought it might encourage you to know that other people (like me) are benefitting from your ministry.

    I pray that God will bless and you and encourage you~
    Melanie

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  10. This is such a hard thing to go through, but I am so comforted to hear that you know the Lord. I don't know how people get through things like this without Him. You have great perspective. I am praying with you for your baby to be healthy.

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  11. Hi there,
    I am pregnant, too. I am 23 weeks along right now. At 16 weeks it was discovered that my son has a rare condition that will not make it possible for him to live on this earth for very long, if he even makes it to term. He has Trisomy 13. And let me tell you, I have never prayed for a child with Trisomy 21 before (Down syndrome) except for now. Oh, how I wish my little boy had Down syndrome! Then he would at least live, he would walk, he would learn to talk. He would have disabilities, yes. But he would wrap his little arms around my neck and kiss me and say, "Love you, mama" -- As it is now, I just pray that my little guy makes it to term, that he is born alive and lives long enough for me to whisper "I love you so much!" into his ears. I want to kiss him and love on him before it's his time to go. I pray for time. Just time to see him and hold him.

    I will keep you in my prayers, that your baby is born healthy, that his kidneys heal. I had one son who had enlarged kidneys while he was in the womb but by the time he was born, they were fine! God can work miracles while these little ones are in the womb. I am still praying for a miracle, for my little guy. I know his DNA is all mixed up with that extra chromosome, but maybe, just maybe, he won't be that effected by it? I can only pray. Miracles happen.


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