Thursday, March 10, 2016

In memory of my baby in heaven

I was due with our second baby on March 10, 2015. 
My baby would be turning one this week. 

Although the pain of miscarriage has lessened with time, my heart still aches when I allow myself to think back to the plans we had for the little life that is now in heaven with Jesus. I have written several posts about my miscarriage over the past year. They are sitting in my blog dashboard, unpublished. It has taken me this long to be willing to write publicly about my baby who none of you will ever know. Because sometimes words aren't enough to describe how it hurts when you prepare a place in your heart for a child that never comes. 

People often tell me how great it is that my babies are spaced nearly 3 years apart, not knowing of my loss in between. It's a painfully honest reminder that I am not in control. Nothing I do can make my life happen the way I want it to. As much as I think I do, I don't get to decide when I have a baby. God does.
God is not good because He does what we want. He is good regardless. 
 After my loss, I wrote in my journal "I can either fight God on this and be angry because I don't understand His plan, or I can let go of my own dreams and fully trust Him with my life, not just with my words."

Today I am blessed to be holding two beautiful children in my arms, but there is one unseen, held only in my heart. 
I celebrate that life, as short as it was. Because it was a life. Not just a clump of cells, it was my baby. My baby who I loved and was excited to meet. As short as my baby's life was, it changed mine forever. 

 The pain of my miscarriage reminded me that this world is not my home. I have a home in heaven free from pain, crying, heartbreak, and loss, and full of the comforting, peaceful, holy presence of God. I can't wait to be there.
And although I won't feel the pain of my loss in heaven, I will experience the love of meeting my child for the first time in the presence of my heavenly Father. It doesn't get better than that.

I believe that God carried me through that rough season in my life so that I can encourage others in their seasons of pain and heartbreak. I want to share hope with all the mamas out there experiencing the same awful heartbreak of a loss. Don't doubt the goodness and grace of God during this season of your life. He is there and He will carry you when you feel like you can't go on anymore. He is good. Let Him.

Job 13:15a "Though He slay me, I will hope in Him."

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Colossians 3:17 
And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.

5 comments:

  1. My third should be coming sometime in the next 4-7 weeks but getting to this point of having the three children we always "planned" before we even had the first was a lesson in learning that my timing is not always the best or God's timing. We started trying for #3 the summer of 2014 and after two miscarriages within five months we became pregnant with our son that is now due in a few weeks in the summer of 2015.

    I recently wrote about God using this baby to teach me patience and let go of my need to control.

    Angela @ Stepping into Motherhood ( http://glennbabies.blogspot.com/2016/03/learning-patience-over-control.html)

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  2. Absolutely beautiful! I am awed by your courage to share this with the world and know that Christ holds both of you in His loving arms!

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  3. This is such an inspiring piece. God is so good and I am so glad that you celebrate what would've been your child's birthday!

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  4. I am so sorry for your loss. I admire your steadfast trust in God throughout this difficult time. I recently began following your blog and have found much joy in reading it. Your passion and love for Jesus is so inspiring, especially for a teen girl like myself. God bless you and your family <3

    Sincerely,
    Edye // Gracefulcoffee.wordpress.com

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  5. I lost my first two babies. One person shared with me that those babies would never experience any sadness in this life. They would only worship Jesus. This was a comfort to me. Beautiful post.

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Your comments bring a smile to my face! Thanks for visiting my blog :)

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