Thursday, April 14, 2016

Joy after heartache

Several months before I miscarried my first baby, my sister-in-law went through the pain of losing a child. God used her loss to comfort me in mine as we grieved the loss of our babies together and then went on to birth healthy boys within a year of each other. When someone understands the pain we are going through,it makes it a bit more bearable. In memory of the loss of her son, Kaci wanted to share her story with the hope that it will encourage other mamas who have gone through a similar loss. Here is her story.
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April 21st.


This date holds many memories for me just from the past two years. Some of the memories are extremely good while others are extremely bad. As this day approaches, I have many conflicting feelings. 
There is a sadness that starts to overwhelm me when I remember the events from two years ago on April 21st. I still can barely find the words to describe it.
 My husband and I went to my ultrasound appointment that day. We were looking forward to finding
out if we were having a boy or a girl. We already had names picked out: Claire Elizabeth for a girl and Clayton Tyler for a boy. Since both names started with a C, we had been calling our baby, “Baby C.”
I will never forget when the ultrasound tech told us she was not picking up a heartbeat or any movement. 
I began praying that there was some mistake and that our baby was fine. 
But it wasn’t a mistake. 

I can’t describe the heartbreaking pain we felt. I have never known so much pain. I will not describe in detail the next twenty four hours because I can’t seem to put it into words, even though I have relived it in my mind many times. I try not to remember it, but different things bring it to mind causing me to remember different parts of that day. 

At nineteen weeks pregnant, we found out we had lost our baby. 
They told me I would have to be induced and deliver my baby.

 My first child was born by csection, so I had never given birth naturally. 
I was scared that I wouldn’t be able to do it. All I could do was pray that God would give me the strength I needed. I had heard that once you hold your baby, you forget the pain of childbirth, but I didn’t have that to look forward to. I honestly don’t remember the physical pain, though, because the emotional pain was so much worse. 

On April 22nd, 2014, I delivered my second child. We found out later that it was a boy, Clayton Tyler. We will never forget him, even though, we never really got the chance to know him. 

The rest of 2014 was kind of a blur to me. 
I had never experienced so much heartache before, and my heart physically ached. I didn’t even know that was possible.
 I cried more times than I can count. I couldn’t sleep. I had a hard time joining in conversations about everyday life, especially if they had to do with babies or pregnancy.

 I clung to God and His word. Without Him, I never would have been able to keep moving. I memorized verses and searched scripture to find comfort, encouragement, and hope. I prayed to and relied on God like I never had before. I realized that God really is all that I need and that as long as I have Him, I can get through anything. 

Since we lost Clayton, I have been able to look back and see God’s little mercies throughout it all. I will probably never understand why we lost Clayton, but I know that God is good and He works all things for good for those who are called according to His purpose. God continues to show me grace and mercy and how he cares for me in my most vulnerable moments.

 My sister was pregnant the same time as me and was due only a week before me. My nephew was born on September 1st. I was so happy for my sister, but also knew that this would be a difficult time for me. God knew this, too, and gave us a special blessing. On September 2nd, we found out that I was pregnant again. 

I spent this pregnancy with many doubts and fears at times, but I tried to stay positive and keep my trust in God. I prayed that this pregnancy would go well, and in my heart, I knew that even if it didn’t, God would still be there to help me through. 

My pregnancy did go well, though I had to schedule a csection three weeks early due to how my csection was with my first child. It amazes me how perfectly God plans things. My csection was scheduled for April 21st, 2015. One year to the day that we found out we had lost our first son, our second son, Micah, was born into this world, happy and healthy. 

As his first birthday approaches, I am so thankful for the blessing that he is to us. I am also a little sad because he seems to be growing up so fast. I never want to take any time with him for granted. 
Micah doesn’t replace Clayton,and I know that the pain of losing him will never completely go away. However, God gives mecomfort and the strength to keep moving. I have learned to focus on God’s blessings instead of the pain. 

I pray that everyone who has lost a child will find their comfort and peace in God. He alone is the source of true joy, and He is able to bring us back to that joy even after immense heartache.

Listed below are some of the Bible verses and songs that I found encouraging during the hardest season of life. I hope they encourage you the same way they did me. 

Psalm 34:17-19-The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. A righteous man may have many troubles, but the Lord delivers him from them all; 
Isaiah 30:18-Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show you compassion. For the Lord is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him! 
Isaiah 33:2-O Lord, be gracious to us; we long for you. Be our strength every morning, our salvation in time of distress.
Lamentations 3:17-33But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope:  The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end;  they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.  “The Lord is my portion,” says my soul, “therefore I will hope in him.” 
Philippians 4:8-Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-think about such things. 
1 Peter 1:6-9-In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith--of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire--may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls.
"The Broken Beautiful" by Ellie Holcomb 
"Broken Hallelujah" by The Afters

6 comments:

  1. WOW! That was so hard to read! It reminds me of our son and DIL (she passed away last year) who had miscarried 4 babies. The last one, Layton, I was able to be there with her. She delivered him 4 weeks after he had passed away. She asked me to make him a little outfit to be buried in. Oh, what wrenching emotions! I know that her emotional pain, and yours, was so much worse than I can imagine. She was autoimmune, so I believe that delivering that late caused the bacterial infection in her body that ended up taking her life. Through it all, God has been with us. Thank you for being brave in the midst of pain.

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    1. I'm so sorry for your family's losses. I'll be praying that God continues to give you all comfort and strength. It was hard for me to write this, as well. But it has helped to know that sharing my story has helped others who have gone through something similar.

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  2. What a beautiful testimony! I had many miscarriages and finally a son and daughter. I know the gut-wrenching pain of being told there is no heartbeat. I know it too well with my own and now we lost many grandchildren by both our children. I was only able to give thanks to God one evening at prayer meeting when a couple had lost their baby and God filled me up with peace and said tell them your story and tell them you go thru it all again to experience the joy you feel today with the two teenagers you have. You see had I not walked thru that pain I would not have the wonderful son and daughter I am blessed with today.

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    1. Thank you. I am sorry that you have had to go through so much loss. I know it has helped me to be able to give encouragement and comfort to others who have lost children, as well. It makes me think of 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.

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  3. I am so sorry for your loss. Labor is never easy, but you are a very strong person for going through it anyway when you knew it was going to be so difficult at the end. Thanks for sharing your story. We have 5 beautiful children and 1 more joining us in a few weeks, but we've also had 3 miscarriages and they never leave you. You never forget.

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    1. Thank you. I am sorry for the losses you have had, as well. I know that I never would have gotten through the delivery had God not given me the strength to. I also know that I will never forget. It's comforting to know that God never forgets either and that He is always there to give us comfort when we need it. It is wonderful that you have been able to have so many other children and congratulations on your baby on the way!

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